Jan 1

I Am Here…Clutching My Throat

TransformationI am here… clutching my throat
trying to release my truths, trying to breathe…
but, my throat/ my body is silencing me.

With each second that takes me deeper into a voiceless whisper
I fear I have nothing worth expressing.
Or, rather, I fear I will make no sense.
I will not be understood.

And, this deep sacred eruption
that feels like feminine wisdom
having her way with the most vulnerable parts of my being
will be lost forever… to myself and the world.

No mirror to reflect Her magnificence.
Only a reflection of the past.

Stupid, naive girl- making something out of nothing…
looking for that which is not there- sneers the shadow.

Yet it is.  It is here!
These experiences are the MOST REAL.
There… Mystery… Truth

Standing in the fire.
Burning through the illusions.
Waiting in the In Between.

Do you know this place?

I don’t know how I know…
but, I KNOW…
It is in all of us if we choose to BE with it.

The road, the path, the journey…
the cycles, the process…
it is bittersweet.

Truths are not revealed on command.
In fact nothing, however desperate, can be summoned
from the place of unconscious egotistical command.

So, I stay with this heaviness in my chest
this lump in my throat…
this constriction of confusion.

I work with my dreams.
I write in my journal.
I sit with my experience.
And, I get closer to the pain.

I allow the darkness in…so that I may once again know the light.
Different.  Expanded.

I allow the darkness in…so that I may know the expressions of my soul.

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Jan 1

Learning to Dance with the Feminine

TransformationI AM… learning to dance with the feminine.

She is graceful.  I am awkward.
She is soft and strong, big and swirling.

I am trying.
I am stumbling.

She is patient, kind, loving.
Her hand is outstretched.
Her smile is inviting.
Her eyes are drawing me in.

I can trust my humanity in her presence.
It’s ok to fall.  It’s ok to fly.
I don’t look stupid or lost to her.

She sees all of me… even the parts I cannot yet see of myself.
She believes in me as I am.
So, I believe in me as I am.

For a time, I surrender and I am free.

I want to get it right.
Why is something so simple so hard?

Angst begins to form.
The cloud of irritation arrives.
I am no longer free.

She coaxes me to relax… to be lighter on my feet.
It is, of course, the precision that is tripping me up.

I want to let go.
So, I breathe.
I flow from where I am.
The uncomfortable self-consciousness shifts to an expansive feeling of love and acceptance. Peace.

I find the flow.  For a time, I am.

The process is the point.
The destination will always be unknown.
Slip into the moment, the flow and let the natural life unfold.

This is the dance with the feminine.

You don’t have to work so hard she whispers.
All you seek is here.
Come and dance.

Bring all your imperfections and all your heart’s desires.
Together, we will light up the world… from the inside out.

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